Friday, April 22, 2011

It's about freakin' time.

disclaimer:  rambling tangents involved.

When I look at myself I see I am the same person.  I am who I was.  And I will always be who I am.  I think that gives me an advantage, seeing as some people never really meet themselves face to face.

Yes, I am different than I was.  I am less defensive (key word being less) and I don't interrupt others as much (again- note the as much.)  I am seeing myself participating in the world more often than the world participating in my life.  I notice life happening now.  I see that in 5 years everything may be fundamentally the same if I don't consciously take stock of and interfere with the crap I don't like.  When I first came up with the title for this blog it was a basic, instinctual desire.  I wouldn't have told you that then, but now I see it.  Now I am starting to see how this can be done.  I am starting to do it. 

I am pretty sure it started with the desire.  I wasn't aware of the steps I had been taking.  I didn't notice these changes in me.  I mentioned it to a couple close friends over the last few months, and they told me they knew.  They saw it.  Even though I only had a very rough understanding, a basic concept, and no idea of how to obtain it, it started happening.  Just knowing that I didn't have to know how to get what I wanted, that I just needed to figure out what it is I wanted, and that was enough to get the ball rolling. 

I have a friend who wants to get over some stuff, and change in some ways.  She only has that basic understanding right now, and is overwhelmed by not knowing how to make it happen.  We've talked about it a few times now.  I had insight, but not the right words to tell her.  Finally after months I think I know what I can say.  It all came when I wasn't searching for it.  Maybe she is too focused on that overwhelmed I have no flippin' clue what to do feeling.  Maybe she can let that go and get back to the more basic desire and let that be.

Anxiety is funny (no, not haha funny) .  We've known each other well.  It has kept me from speaking up for myself.  IT has kept me from having a good time too many times.  And looking at the situations I was in, there was no reason for it.  Other people could tell me there was no reason for it.  Okay, that's fine.  I still felt it.  This is something else I want to address, at some point, but it's just occurred to me I've started rambling.  Tangents...

Back to that point I was trying to make... I am still the same person.  The difference now I am more of that person I wanted to be.  And while I always wanted just to be myself I didn't like myself.  I admired traits in others.  It turns out I can have those traits and still be myself.  Maybe that was the me I didn't know trying to tell me a little more about who I really am. 

Really, I think I could go on and on.  There are so many points that are probably better left for conversation or more focused writings.  (See, I am still the me I was - all over the place...)

Anywho, it's aout freakin' I wrote something again. 

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