Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Breaking Up

I had a very good friend from the age of 10.  We were both outcasts of sorts, enjoyed to read, and were changing into adults.  We shared a lot.  We discovered alcohol together (albeit much younger than I would want any children of mine to discover it), and boys.  After a while these things weren't novelties anymore.  They started becoming a way of life for her.  Then they weren't enough.  She wound up in abusive relationships (she did her own share of the abusing), doing all sorts of drugs- at one point Oxycontin pills that cost $80 a pop as a daily habit, and who knows what else.  It was like a train wreck, I couldn't look away.  I didn't even notice the train crashing until there were more casualties than survivors.  If she sneezed she would either try to snort it back up or lick the snot not to waste whatever remnants might be left in there.

I saw her do that.  It wasn't enough for me to watch her change from experimental to addict.  It wasn't enough for me to see that she would never be there in a way a friend would.  She would come over, inevitably drunk, high or both, and talk about how awful her life was.  It was always awful.  It was always about her, and how badly someone treated her, or how someone ripped her off while buying drugs, or how ill she felt, or how she didn't have enough money for things like rent and food.  And I always listened.  I was sad for her in a way she wasn't.

After years and of this a mutual friend and I (more him than me) called her out on her dramatic, drug preferring ways.  The way we described it was breaking up.  That's what it felt like.  We were friends for 12 or 13 years.  Years later I still think about her regularly.  Whenever I hear a song by Ani Difranco called Two Little Girls I think of her.  Or sometimes when I think of her I think of that song.

Breaking up is so hard to do.  I have a tendency to stick around longer than what is healthy.  Healthy for me, but also for the other party.  I was enabling.

There is a part of me I identify with from that period in my life.  I struggled so hard with depression, and I hated my self.  I don't know if I've ever truly hated anyone beside myself.  That person who I was is still a part of me.  And sometimes when I get sad I'll wallow.  Sometimes the world is against me today.

I don't hate my friend, although there is still an aching.  I don't blame her for anything, but I do hope the best for her.  I hope she finds a way out where others don't.  Who knows, maybe she already has.  But how can I harbor a distaste for myself I don't harbor for someone who caused me so much pain- someone who was willing to throw over 10 years of our lives out for a habit she couldn't afford.

I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but I think it's time to break up with that person still inside of me.  I don't have to blame myself, hate myself, punish myself.  I was young.  Teenagers and young adults make stupid choices.  I wouldn't hate another person for being the person I was, or behaving the way I did.  I  understand how it is to be silently screaming inside, letting the world pass one by, and not able (or think one is able) to do anything about it.  Next thing you know, it's 5 years later.  Then 10.  (Here I go- digressing...)

Anyways, those are my thoughts on that.  Maybe they should be better thought out, but that's the level I'm at right now.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Chakra 6

Names: Ajna, Third Eye Center, Guru Chakra
Location: In the back of the head: Base of Skull.  In the front  of         the head: Between the eyebrows at the third eye
Area of face: eyes
Sense: sight
Tone: Om or Aum.  Some people say this is the sound God                               made that created the world.
Note:high A

Crystals: Lapis Lazuli, Sugilite
Aromas: Juniper Berries, Rosemary

Statement: "I want to see clearly."

This is the center of higher intuition.  Through this chakra one can receive guidance and tune into one's higher self.  It not only has to do with psychic abilities, but being able to see the world clearly for how it is.  And being able to see oneself in the world clearly, not just how we experience it.  Creativity also comes from this chakra.

When this chakra is shut down it is often because a person is taught to fear the occult.  There is irrational fear and guilt that is created by taboos and it makes is hard for a person to get a clear perspective on whether or not a teaching is good for them, and judging becomes difficult.

When the third eye is opened we are able to merge our two views of the world:  our normal self with intellect and ego, and our higher self with the intuitive mind and spiritual feelings.  This is the meaning of self realization, and you can see your full potential.

Balanced Chakra Energy Characteristics:
  • charaismatic
  • receives Guidance
  • not attached to material things
  • no fear of death
  • clairvoyant
  • not preoccupied with fame or fortune
  • master of oneself 
Excessive Chakra Energy:
  • egomaniac
  • proud
  • reliously dogmatic
  • authoritarian
  • manipulative 
Deficient Chakra Energy:
  • nonassertive
  • undisciplined
  • oversensitive to the feelings of others
  • afraid of success
  • may be schizophrenic (unable too distinguish between ego and Higher self) 
Contraindications: schizophrenic, withdrawn

Glands and organs influenced include the pineal gland (endocrine gland that has the structure of an eye in the central part of the brain), pituitary, brain and ears.

This information was largely obtained from an awesome book.   Please see the post on the first chakra and scroll to the end to see.

Saturday, April 30, 2011


I have a good sense of who I am.  I have a good idea of who I want to be.  I haven't sat down and defined it though.  Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know.  What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me?  I know how to get to work.  I've been driving there for almost 6 years.  When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks.  If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me.  I am not even certain of the exit number or street names.  This also applies to my life.

I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother.  I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son.  I can tell them that I love my family and friends.  Those are facts.  Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor.  That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents.  What do I represent?  What colors describe my personality?  What details define my ideas, my passions?

If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy? 

I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex.  I thought I was over it.  I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in.  I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there.  So I was over him.  Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later?  What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation.  What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning.  How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?

I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.)  What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself.  If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life.  If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question.  That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too!  I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently.  (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)

I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for.  I can forgive her.  Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding.  There wasn't anything to forgive really.  Just realize what truly was.  I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.

Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure.  Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on.  To gain closure and live in the present.

How many other things are there I thought I was over?  How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?'  How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted?  Now I understand what it means to become whole.  I didn't even realize I was in pieces.

Friday, April 22, 2011

It's about freakin' time.

disclaimer:  rambling tangents involved.

When I look at myself I see I am the same person.  I am who I was.  And I will always be who I am.  I think that gives me an advantage, seeing as some people never really meet themselves face to face.

Yes, I am different than I was.  I am less defensive (key word being less) and I don't interrupt others as much (again- note the as much.)  I am seeing myself participating in the world more often than the world participating in my life.  I notice life happening now.  I see that in 5 years everything may be fundamentally the same if I don't consciously take stock of and interfere with the crap I don't like.  When I first came up with the title for this blog it was a basic, instinctual desire.  I wouldn't have told you that then, but now I see it.  Now I am starting to see how this can be done.  I am starting to do it. 

I am pretty sure it started with the desire.  I wasn't aware of the steps I had been taking.  I didn't notice these changes in me.  I mentioned it to a couple close friends over the last few months, and they told me they knew.  They saw it.  Even though I only had a very rough understanding, a basic concept, and no idea of how to obtain it, it started happening.  Just knowing that I didn't have to know how to get what I wanted, that I just needed to figure out what it is I wanted, and that was enough to get the ball rolling. 

I have a friend who wants to get over some stuff, and change in some ways.  She only has that basic understanding right now, and is overwhelmed by not knowing how to make it happen.  We've talked about it a few times now.  I had insight, but not the right words to tell her.  Finally after months I think I know what I can say.  It all came when I wasn't searching for it.  Maybe she is too focused on that overwhelmed I have no flippin' clue what to do feeling.  Maybe she can let that go and get back to the more basic desire and let that be.

Anxiety is funny (no, not haha funny) .  We've known each other well.  It has kept me from speaking up for myself.  IT has kept me from having a good time too many times.  And looking at the situations I was in, there was no reason for it.  Other people could tell me there was no reason for it.  Okay, that's fine.  I still felt it.  This is something else I want to address, at some point, but it's just occurred to me I've started rambling.  Tangents...

Back to that point I was trying to make... I am still the same person.  The difference now I am more of that person I wanted to be.  And while I always wanted just to be myself I didn't like myself.  I admired traits in others.  It turns out I can have those traits and still be myself.  Maybe that was the me I didn't know trying to tell me a little more about who I really am. 

Really, I think I could go on and on.  There are so many points that are probably better left for conversation or more focused writings.  (See, I am still the me I was - all over the place...)

Anywho, it's aout freakin' I wrote something again. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Random Acts of Kindness Week

Ok, so I disappear for long periods of time.  Hardly anyone looks anyway ;-p

Some of it is a nervousness about sharing.  I know how some of the stuff I am into is perceived.  It's not understood.  And there are a lot of quacks out there.  Diviners (fortune tellers) for example.  But there are people out there who are truly gifted.  I was told right before the new year that a co-worker would become ill.  I found out recently that one girl has breast cancer.  Anyway, tangents, I have them.

It's RAK week, starting on Valentines Day.  They have simple 'challenges' to accomplish to participate in the week.  The link is there.  Encourage people to participate.  Try to bring it into everyday life.  It offers a sort of peace we can all use.

I think that maybe I left off on the chakras subconsciously.  The last ones are the ones I am working on.  I think I want to review everything, maybe gleam a little more insight, and try to push forward.  This coming year is going to be a big one for me I think.  I'm getting married, becoming a Reiki master-teacher, and may be trying for another kid later on in the year.  Also, I think there will be a TON of spiritual growth.  I know I will make it where I am going.  And even though I've little knowledge of where I'll end up, I okay with that.

All religions are the same to me. (In a way.)  They all lead to the same result.  Your God and her God are the same God. 

Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with. His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine. Henry S. Haskins

A good person is a good person.