Saturday, April 30, 2011


I have a good sense of who I am.  I have a good idea of who I want to be.  I haven't sat down and defined it though.  Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know.  What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me?  I know how to get to work.  I've been driving there for almost 6 years.  When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks.  If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me.  I am not even certain of the exit number or street names.  This also applies to my life.

I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother.  I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son.  I can tell them that I love my family and friends.  Those are facts.  Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor.  That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents.  What do I represent?  What colors describe my personality?  What details define my ideas, my passions?

If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy? 

I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex.  I thought I was over it.  I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in.  I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there.  So I was over him.  Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later?  What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation.  What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning.  How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?

I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.)  What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself.  If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life.  If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question.  That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too!  I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently.  (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)

I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for.  I can forgive her.  Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding.  There wasn't anything to forgive really.  Just realize what truly was.  I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.

Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure.  Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on.  To gain closure and live in the present.

How many other things are there I thought I was over?  How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?'  How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted?  Now I understand what it means to become whole.  I didn't even realize I was in pieces.

Friday, April 22, 2011

It's about freakin' time.

disclaimer:  rambling tangents involved.

When I look at myself I see I am the same person.  I am who I was.  And I will always be who I am.  I think that gives me an advantage, seeing as some people never really meet themselves face to face.

Yes, I am different than I was.  I am less defensive (key word being less) and I don't interrupt others as much (again- note the as much.)  I am seeing myself participating in the world more often than the world participating in my life.  I notice life happening now.  I see that in 5 years everything may be fundamentally the same if I don't consciously take stock of and interfere with the crap I don't like.  When I first came up with the title for this blog it was a basic, instinctual desire.  I wouldn't have told you that then, but now I see it.  Now I am starting to see how this can be done.  I am starting to do it. 

I am pretty sure it started with the desire.  I wasn't aware of the steps I had been taking.  I didn't notice these changes in me.  I mentioned it to a couple close friends over the last few months, and they told me they knew.  They saw it.  Even though I only had a very rough understanding, a basic concept, and no idea of how to obtain it, it started happening.  Just knowing that I didn't have to know how to get what I wanted, that I just needed to figure out what it is I wanted, and that was enough to get the ball rolling. 

I have a friend who wants to get over some stuff, and change in some ways.  She only has that basic understanding right now, and is overwhelmed by not knowing how to make it happen.  We've talked about it a few times now.  I had insight, but not the right words to tell her.  Finally after months I think I know what I can say.  It all came when I wasn't searching for it.  Maybe she is too focused on that overwhelmed I have no flippin' clue what to do feeling.  Maybe she can let that go and get back to the more basic desire and let that be.

Anxiety is funny (no, not haha funny) .  We've known each other well.  It has kept me from speaking up for myself.  IT has kept me from having a good time too many times.  And looking at the situations I was in, there was no reason for it.  Other people could tell me there was no reason for it.  Okay, that's fine.  I still felt it.  This is something else I want to address, at some point, but it's just occurred to me I've started rambling.  Tangents...

Back to that point I was trying to make... I am still the same person.  The difference now I am more of that person I wanted to be.  And while I always wanted just to be myself I didn't like myself.  I admired traits in others.  It turns out I can have those traits and still be myself.  Maybe that was the me I didn't know trying to tell me a little more about who I really am. 

Really, I think I could go on and on.  There are so many points that are probably better left for conversation or more focused writings.  (See, I am still the me I was - all over the place...)

Anywho, it's aout freakin' I wrote something again.