Saturday, April 30, 2011


I have a good sense of who I am.  I have a good idea of who I want to be.  I haven't sat down and defined it though.  Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know.  What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me?  I know how to get to work.  I've been driving there for almost 6 years.  When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks.  If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me.  I am not even certain of the exit number or street names.  This also applies to my life.

I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother.  I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son.  I can tell them that I love my family and friends.  Those are facts.  Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor.  That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents.  What do I represent?  What colors describe my personality?  What details define my ideas, my passions?

If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy? 

I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex.  I thought I was over it.  I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in.  I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there.  So I was over him.  Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later?  What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation.  What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning.  How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?

I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.)  What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself.  If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life.  If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question.  That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too!  I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently.  (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)

I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for.  I can forgive her.  Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding.  There wasn't anything to forgive really.  Just realize what truly was.  I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.

Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure.  Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on.  To gain closure and live in the present.

How many other things are there I thought I was over?  How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?'  How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted?  Now I understand what it means to become whole.  I didn't even realize I was in pieces.

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