I have a good sense of who I am. I have a good idea of who I want to be. I haven't sat down and defined it though. Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know. What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me? I know how to get to work. I've been driving there for almost 6 years. When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks. If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me. I am not even certain of the exit number or street names. This also applies to my life.
I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother. I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son. I can tell them that I love my family and friends. Those are facts. Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor. That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents. What do I represent? What colors describe my personality? What details define my ideas, my passions?
If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy?
I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex. I thought I was over it. I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in. I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there. So I was over him. Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later? What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation. What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning. How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?
I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.) What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself. If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life. If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question. That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too! I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently. (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)
I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for. I can forgive her. Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding. There wasn't anything to forgive really. Just realize what truly was. I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.
Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure. Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on. To gain closure and live in the present.
How many other things are there I thought I was over? How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?' How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted? Now I understand what it means to become whole. I didn't even realize I was in pieces.