Being Different

We are taught when we are little that different bad.  Being special is just being the best at being normal.  Before I could understand that I was different I could feel it.  I could feel the gaping hole of loneliness. 

As I got to middle school I became resentful.  Anger piled up on top of the sadness.  I even started to embrace the sadness.  The gaping hole of loneliness was filling my life.

Come high school I was just weird.  I didn't want to care anymore.  Other kids who hadn't fit in started to flock together.  We were proud of our quirks.  We were proud of our "independent thinking."  There were kids in this group who were just desperate to fit in somewhere, and there were kids in the group who just never made it to the next level of life 10 years later. (Some of whom still living in Mom's basement, spending their pay-checks on partying, etc.)

Come graduation people were drifting away to different lives.  I was pretty much alone again, and it dawned on me.  We were just another click.  Some of these "independent thinkers" were just faking it.  We weren't different from any other adolescent (part of my still twinges at admitting it), we were just doing what every other kid was doing in a different way.

I have always mostly had acquaintances.  I am not quick to consider people friends.  I have learned to weed people out, for my own good.  It's a hard lesson to learn, and it hurts to cut people off.  But it get's easier.  It improved the quality of my life.  And looking back, what was my whole life is now insignificant.

Here are a few things I've learned:

• Being different is good.  It gives another perspective, allows us to make our own choices, and we aren't held to society's norms in the same way as other people.
• Loneliness is a good opportunity to get to know yourself better.  Instead of dwelling on what you're lacking, or being consumed by the hurt- take the opportunity to listen to yourself.  WHY do you feel this way? WHAT could make you feel better? WHO can you see making your life better? WHERE do you want to be in life?
• Don't waste time and energy on people who drain you and will never give back.  Take the time to explore other friendships to see if they'll make it to the next level.  Put the energy you would have wasted in anxiety, anger, depression (etc) from those relationships and use it to show gratitude towards other people in your life.  
• Take time to explore YOUR interests.  It took me over 20 years to figure out what "my music" was because I always let other people pick.  Want to learn Japanese?  Sign up for a class.  Like Tai Chi or tennis or whatever? Just do it.  You only have so long to live.  This also makes us more independent.  If we have our own lives we don't depend so much on others.
• We are responsible for our own happiness.  Easier said than done, but it's true.  Blaming others is just keeping us in the same state, feeling the same way.  Stop bitching and be happy.

Breaking Up

I had a very good friend from the age of 10.  We were both outcasts of sorts, enjoyed to read, and were changing into adults.  We shared a lot.  We discovered alcohol together (albeit much younger than I would want any children of mine to discover it), and boys.  After a while these things weren't novelties anymore.  They started becoming a way of life for her.  Then they weren't enough.  She wound up in abusive relationships (she did her own share of the abusing), doing all sorts of drugs- at one point Oxycontin pills that cost $80 a pop as a daily habit, and who knows what else.  It was like a train wreck, I couldn't look away.  I didn't even notice the train crashing until there were more casualties than survivors.  If she sneezed she would either try to snort it back up or lick the snot not to waste whatever remnants might be left in there.

I saw her do that.  It wasn't enough for me to watch her change from experimental to addict.  It wasn't enough for me to see that she would never be there in a way a friend would.  She would come over, inevitably drunk, high or both, and talk about how awful her life was.  It was always awful.  It was always about her, and how badly someone treated her, or how someone ripped her off while buying drugs, or how ill she felt, or how she didn't have enough money for things like rent and food.  And I always listened.  I was sad for her in a way she wasn't.

After years and of this a mutual friend and I (more him than me) called her out on her dramatic, drug preferring ways.  The way we described it was breaking up.  That's what it felt like.  We were friends for 12 or 13 years.  Years later I still think about her regularly.  Whenever I hear a song by Ani Difranco called Two Little Girls I think of her.  Or sometimes when I think of her I think of that song.

Breaking up is so hard to do.  I have a tendency to stick around longer than what is healthy.  Healthy for me, but also for the other party.  I was enabling.

There is a part of me I identify with from that period in my life.  I struggled so hard with depression, and I hated my self.  I don't know if I've ever truly hated anyone beside myself.  That person who I was is still a part of me.  And sometimes when I get sad I'll wallow.  Sometimes the world is against me today.

I don't hate my friend, although there is still an aching.  I don't blame her for anything, but I do hope the best for her.  I hope she finds a way out where others don't.  Who knows, maybe she already has.  But how can I harbor a distaste for myself I don't harbor for someone who caused me so much pain- someone who was willing to throw over 10 years of our lives out for a habit she couldn't afford.

I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but I think it's time to break up with that person still inside of me.  I don't have to blame myself, hate myself, punish myself.  I was young.  Teenagers and young adults make stupid choices.  I wouldn't hate another person for being the person I was, or behaving the way I did.  I  understand how it is to be silently screaming inside, letting the world pass one by, and not able (or think one is able) to do anything about it.  Next thing you know, it's 5 years later.  Then 10.  (Here I go- digressing...)

Anyways, those are my thoughts on that.  Maybe they should be better thought out, but that's the level I'm at right now.

Becoming

I have a good sense of who I am.  I have a good idea of who I want to be.  I haven't sat down and defined it though.  Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know.  What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me?  I know how to get to work.  I've been driving there for almost 6 years.  When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks.  If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me.  I am not even certain of the exit number or street names.  This also applies to my life.

I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother.  I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son.  I can tell them that I love my family and friends.  Those are facts.  Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor.  That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents.  What do I represent?  What colors describe my personality?  What details define my ideas, my passions?

If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy? 

I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex.  I thought I was over it.  I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in.  I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there.  So I was over him.  Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later?  What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation.  What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning.  How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?

I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.)  What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself.  If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life.  If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question.  That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too!  I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently.  (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)

I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for.  I can forgive her.  Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding.  There wasn't anything to forgive really.  Just realize what truly was.  I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.

Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure.  Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on.  To gain closure and live in the present.

How many other things are there I thought I was over?  How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?'  How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted?  Now I understand what it means to become whole.  I didn't even realize I was in pieces.

It's about freakin' time.

disclaimer:  rambling tangents involved.

When I look at myself I see I am the same person.  I am who I was.  And I will always be who I am.  I think that gives me an advantage, seeing as some people never really meet themselves face to face.

Yes, I am different than I was.  I am less defensive (key word being less) and I don't interrupt others as much (again- note the as much.)  I am seeing myself participating in the world more often than the world participating in my life.  I notice life happening now.  I see that in 5 years everything may be fundamentally the same if I don't consciously take stock of and interfere with the crap I don't like.  When I first came up with the title for this blog it was a basic, instinctual desire.  I wouldn't have told you that then, but now I see it.  Now I am starting to see how this can be done.  I am starting to do it. 

I am pretty sure it started with the desire.  I wasn't aware of the steps I had been taking.  I didn't notice these changes in me.  I mentioned it to a couple close friends over the last few months, and they told me they knew.  They saw it.  Even though I only had a very rough understanding, a basic concept, and no idea of how to obtain it, it started happening.  Just knowing that I didn't have to know how to get what I wanted, that I just needed to figure out what it is I wanted, and that was enough to get the ball rolling. 

I have a friend who wants to get over some stuff, and change in some ways.  She only has that basic understanding right now, and is overwhelmed by not knowing how to make it happen.  We've talked about it a few times now.  I had insight, but not the right words to tell her.  Finally after months I think I know what I can say.  It all came when I wasn't searching for it.  Maybe she is too focused on that overwhelmed I have no flippin' clue what to do feeling.  Maybe she can let that go and get back to the more basic desire and let that be.

Anxiety is funny (no, not haha funny) .  We've known each other well.  It has kept me from speaking up for myself.  IT has kept me from having a good time too many times.  And looking at the situations I was in, there was no reason for it.  Other people could tell me there was no reason for it.  Okay, that's fine.  I still felt it.  This is something else I want to address, at some point, but it's just occurred to me I've started rambling.  Tangents...

Back to that point I was trying to make... I am still the same person.  The difference now I am more of that person I wanted to be.  And while I always wanted just to be myself I didn't like myself.  I admired traits in others.  It turns out I can have those traits and still be myself.  Maybe that was the me I didn't know trying to tell me a little more about who I really am. 

Really, I think I could go on and on.  There are so many points that are probably better left for conversation or more focused writings.  (See, I am still the me I was - all over the place...)

Anywho, it's aout freakin' I wrote something again. 

Random Acts of Kindness Week

Ok, so I disappear for long periods of time.  Hardly anyone looks anyway ;-p

Some of it is a nervousness about sharing.  I know how some of the stuff I am into is perceived.  It's not understood.  And there are a lot of quacks out there.  Diviners (fortune tellers) for example.  But there are people out there who are truly gifted.  I was told right before the new year that a co-worker would become ill.  I found out recently that one girl has breast cancer.  Anyway, tangents, I have them.

It's RAK week, starting on Valentines Day.  They have simple 'challenges' to accomplish to participate in the week.  The link is there.  Encourage people to participate.  Try to bring it into everyday life.  It offers a sort of peace we can all use.

I think that maybe I left off on the chakras subconsciously.  The last ones are the ones I am working on.  I think I want to review everything, maybe gleam a little more insight, and try to push forward.  This coming year is going to be a big one for me I think.  I'm getting married, becoming a Reiki master-teacher, and may be trying for another kid later on in the year.  Also, I think there will be a TON of spiritual growth.  I know I will make it where I am going.  And even though I've little knowledge of where I'll end up, I okay with that.

All religions are the same to me. (In a way.)  They all lead to the same result.  Your God and her God are the same God. 

Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with. His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine. Henry S. Haskins

A good person is a good person.  

Mandalas

Mandalas are a great form of meditation for me.  Even though I am coloring, I'm focusing.  I have a busy mind, and I find in the time it takes me to color these I absorb what I focused on and my mind it quiet.  Another thing I've done to wind down is Sudoku.  It's simple, but requires my entire attention.  After a few it's much easier to meditate!

This book is so awesome I've bought it twice.  It's neat to see the differences when I re-color one. Click on it to buy it from Amazon.







                             Here are some examples I have colored: Click on the image to be taken to the blog with more info on that specific chakra.

Root Chakra:

 

 Sacral Chakra:

Manipura (3rd chakra at solar plexus.)

Heart Chakra:

Throat Chakra -no blog yet

Ajna (3rd eye): no blog yet

Crown Chakra: no blog yet

These are some other random ones from the book.
The Power of limitless love:

 Meditation

 Human Love

 Friendship

Each page has color recommendations and great affirmations.  I read them periodically as I work on them, it helps keep me focused.  Some of them take hours.  It's very soothing (coloring always has been for me) and gratifying.

Personal Blurb

Something has been causing me a lot of emotional stress lately.  Something from with in me, I suppose.  I've always been good at figuring out other people, but it usually doesn't even cross my mind to figure out myself.  I've been feeling this way for at least a week, and no, it's not that time of month.  And be careful asking that, guys.  It may cause you physical pain when a high-heel hits your head. ;-)

Lately I read an amazing book, The Celestine Prophet.  The fictional storyline, and the points it makes are awesome.  I highly recommend it.  I read it in a day when my Internet was down, now I am slowly re-reading it and taking notes, because I think it can help me improve my emotional well being, and my way of interacting with other people.  I guess those two things go hand in hand.

I am a scatter brain, I know.  Don't feel obligated to continue reading this.

I have a 20 month old boy.  He is amazing.  You know how it is if you have/ had babies.  I don't rock him to sleep regularly.  He has learned to put himself to sleep.  But he hasn't been feeling well.  To see if he was tired I rocked him in a gliding chair.  When I shifted him to see if he was sleepy he woke up a little.  I was so touched I started smiling a big, goofy smile.  I was beaming.  When he focused on my smile he gave me a cheesy smile that I haven't seen on him before.  I could tell how he was feeling.  I started tearing up.  Moments like this I need to create opportunities for.  Moments like this I need to focus on.  Moments like this I need to remember for always.  I believe that moments like that one are the reason we are here, living. 

Hiatus possibly over?

Okay, so I went on a little hiatus.  It gets overwhelming sometimes to organize my thoughts because I have so much to put up.  I actively started this 'journey' probably 3 years ago now when I took a Reiki course.  Since then I have become very interested in Eastern medicine, meditation, some-what actively pursuing my spirituality without being told what to believe, and improving myself.

I used to be very defensive, and I still am at times.  But when dealing with difficult people I can often distance myself from the situation, realize it is not personal, and move on.  Sometimes I can even feel compassion (sometimes) for these twits.  And a huge benefit is not carrying a giant stress ball around in my stomach that is actively attacking my insides and would like nothing better than to give me an ulcer. 

I have also come to terms with the fact that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS.  I thought I would be depressed on and off for the rest of my life, but I had learned how to deal with it, so I was ahead of the game.  And I also assumed it was the outside world and it's events that was causing it.  I highly recommend chakra work and if you have the opportunity shamanistic work.  I know how it sounds.  I'm not talking new age bull, I'm talking old school.  Like before TVs and cars and electricity.  I'm not talking about the bored housewife who has money to spend, but people who had a simple but complete way of life.  There is something to it.  It caught my attention when I noticed correlations between chakra information in a class I was taking and many people in my life.  Just keep an open mind, then decide.

I've thought about posting the journies I've done with the shamanic work, but I'm not sure that would be beneficial to anyone.  (I'm also not sure that it matters because I'm fairly sure very few people would ever read it.) I'd like to post a lot of things that I have found useful (and I have a ton of information), but it is hard to determine what is most relevant.  And this blog was started as more of a way to keep my thoughts together in case I ever want them that way, instead of sifting through a million things later, and possibly losing things I currently find important.  If it helps some one else on their 'journey' that would be great.  I guess it is what it is.

Yoga Mission

About 6 years ago for Christmas I got a yoga mat and DVD from my parents.  I think it came with a book, but I can't be sure.  I think I went through it once or twice (and twice is generous) and it was put to the side.  When I moved back in with my parents I had a ton of shit and did some major purging.  I'm glad I kept the DVD now.

In high school I took yoga as an option for a few weeks in PE.  I loved it.  Our classes were 84 minutes, and for the last 20 or so we would "meditate."  Most people napped.  Another bonus was that I was closer to touching my toes than ever before.  It's pathetic, but I can't even make it to my ankles with out bending my knees.  (On a side note, I once encountered someone completely shocked, "because, like, you're skinny."  I don't know how many people have this idea, nor where it came from.  Being skinny does not mean one is flexible, nor is it required.)

Okay, back to the subject at hand:
The last two days I have done this DVD.  I figure, I have plenty of time for StumbleUpon and FB (more than I want to admit, but I can say I don't watch TV and we don't have table, so don't judge too severely) so why not start doing the things I want to learn.  Maybe someday I will learn a language.  Maybe not. 

I posted a little while back two goal management sites I came across.  I signed up for both of them... and that was it.  Today I entered yoga 5 times a week on Goal Happy.  If I'm going to start using it, let's put in something I am doing (yes, two days counts) instead of overwhelming myself with all the other things I want to do and don't get around to.

When you enter your goal (you can also put in something like have less than 2 times a day) it has a place to enter why it's important to you.  So instead of thinking, wow, I should really do this thing because it's cool, I reminded myself of all the reasons I do want to get into it. [I want to be in better shape/more toned, it relieves the (minor) back pain I have, yoga hand help me be more mindful/grounded (which is something I need a lot of help with), I've wanted to be more flexible for at least 10 years, and to help balance out my energies (think eastern medicine.)]

It also has an area to enter things that you think may help you achieve your goal.  I'm going to try to do the yoga video during my toddler's morning nap on the mornings I don't work, and on nights that my fiance isn't home.  The other days I'll squeeze it in somewhere. 

I have already learned that my son thinks I'm a jungle gym when in these positions, so it's a little more challenging with him belly flopping on me, crawling under me and climbing me.  My friend also mentioned that her 70 lb dog thinks it's playtime when she's down on the floor.  Considered yourself warned if you are thinking of picking up the habit.


Here is a link to the benefits of yoga. Massage your organs today!
And here is a link to Gary Bromley's dvd on Amazon starting at $1.99.  I say it's worth the investment... even if it takes you 6 years to use the damn thing.

Stop Bitching and Be Happy

I tend to use the second person when I shouldn't.  I apologize, try not to take it personally (if, of course, it doesn't apply to you.  If it does apply to you take it anyway you want.)


No wonder everyone is stressed and feels like shit all the time.  If we are stuck in traffic it ruins our whole morning.  Even if it only amounted to an extra 5 minutes.  But this jackass cut you off, and see what that prick is doing? Where did you people learn how to drive, I can't believe they let you on the road!  It takes a while to calm down from that.  But now we're in that mind cycle.  We get to work and this coworker said this, and my boss hates me or he never would have given me this project...  I hear parents ask small children, "Why are you making this so hard for me?" WHAT?!

• That asshole in traffic, just like you, is overly stressed and late.  Throwing your arms up every time you hit the brakes and a steady flow of profanities will not get you there any faster.  Cars will not magically part like the Red Sea, other drivers will still drive carelessly, and, believe it or not, you will not be any happier.  (Even if those aforementioned things did happen, you would probably just find something else to bitch about.)
• And your coworker may or may not have said what you were told they said.  Honestly, if you're listening to this bullshit and getting mad, my guess is you aren't innocent of the same sort of behavior.  No, I'm not perfect, but I'm working on this specifically.  I'm adopting the attitude that if I know I've done nothing wrong, who cares what's said.  After a while people will notice who is catty, who is insecure, and who is a bitch.  By not getting involved I'll escape the negative judgments from those with a clear perception, and in my opinion, those with an opinion worth caring about.
• Finally, your children are existing.  As kids.  They aren't likely to be doing things with the intention of making your life harder.  And, if you don't like they way they behave, it's your fault.  End of story.  YOU ARE THE PARENT.  I could go on for quite a while on this... but I'll spare you.

 Moving on... it is your fault.  It your fault you never got good at the guitar.  It's your fault your house is a mess.  It's your fault you feel like shit.  It's your fault your fat.  It's your fault your a jerk.  Yes, external factors play into your circumstances, but at some point you become responsible for who you want to be, what you accomplish and how you feel.

• I hear things like, I wish my parents got me a guitar (or dance lessons or science kits...) because then I'd be good at this.  If you wanted it bad enough you would have done it yourself.  And since you didn't, it's probably best that your parents didn't spend all that money on you because chances are if you wouldn't have done it on your own you wouldn't have followed through on it.  (And you wouldn't be able to bitch about it.)
• My house isn't the cleanest house ever.  This is an example.  I hear "I had no time to clean" or " I was so busy" or " I don't get any help."  If it bothers you enough to make excuses you have no reason most of the time to not have accomplished it.  Just do it.  Don't tell me you weren't on the internet or watching TV for 5 hours a day..
• I know a girl who eats fast food a minimum of once a day.  She drinks soda, a lot.  She eats frozen pancakes with a side of something that calls itself sausage... Don't complain about your GERD to me.  My head is screaming, NO FUCKING WONDER YOUR STOMACH BOTHERS YOU!  (Not to mention her kid eats the same way, she is on food stamps and several other state assistance programs... but you can eat out 2 meals a day and get your nails done every couple weeks... I'll stop here.)
• And I hear people make excuses for being angry SOBs.  My parents treated me this way, or I was bullied, or taken advantage of.  YOU decided to behave a certain way.  I've read of and met people who are missing limbs, lost too many loved ones, etc and they are still nice.  Anne Frank said, "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart."  So you can suck it up.  (Usually I think that if she can feel that way, I have no freakin' excuse, but I'm on a role with this whole second person thing.) 

When was it decided that people were no longer accountable for themselves?  People always have excuses; ADHD, dyslexia, bipolar disorder, crappy circumstances. My uncle is dyslexic and he has his masters.  This was before the helpful programs geared towards those kids.  If you want something, and there is something in the way, just work harder.  The fact that it's not fair is irrelevant. 

There is a difference between acknowledging and enabling.  Just because you are bipolar does not mean to be a complete asshole when you feel like it.  Yes, you operate differently, no, it is not acceptable to flip out violently.  I can't believe the number of people who have told me they were diagnosed with bipolar.  Instead of trying to work with it, it's an excuse.  I can't help but spend all the money I have, be promiscuous, do drugs... I was manic.  No, I can't work, I can't clean, I can't bathe... I was depressed.  No, you didn't take a bath because you didn't feel like it. 


I have been depressed.  Suffice it to say for a long time in a serious way.  I played the pity party card for a while in high school.  Occasionally I feel sorry for myself now, but I am responsible for me.  If I want to be happy, I need to take those steps for myself.  No one else if going to do it.  Even if they could, they have their own issues.  It's about building habits.  You are used to feeling a certain way and coping a certain way.  If you are unhappy look at yourself.  You can't control the world around you, but you can control how you react.  Save yourself the coronary, and start becoming responsible for yourself.

Little Less of a Jerk Than Yesterday

One of my faults is how I let my emotions rule my actions too often.  I get carried away (VAST understatement.)  I can be super defensive, and take offense at things easily.  I am very perceptive when it comes to tone of voice, body language and the wording someone uses.  What I forget is sometimes the person isn't mad at me, and would talk to anyone the same way.

There are a couple of points I'd like to make about giving in to those moments.

One: If someone is needling you, they want that response.  Some times when people are unhappy, they want other people to be unhappy.  Maybe they don't even realize they are doing it.  Don't indulge them.  By arguing with them you are bringing yourself down to their level.  What a waste of your energy, and your emotional well-being suffers for it.

Two: I read a quote at some point that said, "Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference."  It's true.   I get so carried away, and scream louder to make sure I am heard.  People may assume that I'm just a nagging bitch, and feel sorry for the other person.  That sucks, but I had let it happen.


Three: When fighting with someone, I get (again, VAST understatement) I get carried away.  An argument over something ridiculous turns into a full-on, teeth-bared, I-will-rip-you-to-shreds kind of fight.  Even if I was valid in being hurt in the beginning I'll say something so incredibly hurtful that I've lost the upper hand.  I am now just as big of a douche.



 Last night, I was having a conversation with someone whom I love very much.  We get along well a lot of the time, but we are very similar in a few ways. (i.e. our defensiveness and teeth-baring tendencies. - I will NOT be backed into a corner.)  This person was already in an agitated mood.  I was listening, and trying to help this person come to the conclusion that being so hurt and angry over how another person behaved wasn't worth the energy.  This was taken as me being "on the wrong side."

I kept reminding my self that this person whom I love very much was not mad at me.  (Although it started heading that way.)  I tried to explain that I agreed, but could see both sides some-what clearly since I was on the outside of the situation.  That I could understand why there were hurt feeling, and that I didn't believe this person was in the wrong for feeling that way.  We all have a right to be angry, but how much do we allow it to effect ourselves and the people around us?

I tried not to interrupt, and I was trying to be gentle with my words.  There were little comments dropped hear or there.  Nothing so bold as "you're stupid," but a very subtle way with words that implied that my opinion and voice did not matter, nor was it valid.  Am I over-sensitive to these things? You bet.  Was I making it up? No way.

In spite of my efforts to not get hurt over the comments, they did start to hurt.  I would remind myself of my surroundings and the circumstances.  To stay grounded, in the moment.  To not remember every time I've been hurt, or how things would be if we always fought like this.  I stayed in control of my own mind.  Something I don't due often in these situations.  I get carried away sometimes to the point where I can't remember things clearly.  I am so overwhelmed and absorbed in my emotions that I don't know what I said, what was said to me, where I was standing, if I was even standing... you get the picture.  It helps nothing, takes a lot longer to recover from, and is not healthy.

I explained that my feelings were being hurt, and that I was getting frustrated and excused myself from the conversation.  I was told that if I had something worth listening to then the conversation would have been a better one.  I don't believe it would have, but oh well.  I tried not to bite.

I was followed out of the room, and more bold "attacks" of instigation peppered the conversation between us.  I diffused the current instigation bombs by informing my now opponent that I knew I was being tempted to fight back, and that I had no interest in fighting.  Well, at some point I raised my voice to a yell to pretty much say get off my back.  I took several deep breaths and started to pay attention to the things around me to bring myself back to my own head.  I pointed out (quieter, but not as calmly as I would have liked) that the stress from one situation was being allowed to effect OUR relationship.  I mentioned that if every small situation was allowed to have this much reign on a life the person would become utterly exhausted and not truly know up from down.

Usually these fights have a potential to go on for hours, with screaming for the most of it.  This time it was maybe 20 minutes of discomfort.  I can't really speak for the other person, but I can say for myself that there was less to recover from and no feelings of guilt on my part.


If I had known we would have fights like these I may have avoided the relationship.  Mostly because I never confronted anything.  I was suffering for it mentally.  In someways, we are too similar, but it brings about a feeling of understanding I hadn't had in my life before.  And we do put up with each other, it is not a one-sided thing.  Sometimes things aren't as bad as they appear to be.  I am learning a lesson on controlling my self, and being mindful that I may not have learned from some one I didn't love so completely.  It would be easy to avoid.  So for our faults, I still think our relationship is perfect for us.  We are becoming better individuals together, which will give us a relationship that is much fuller than most.  The ties we are constructing are being made of iron, not recycled twist ties that were with in arms length.




Karmic-ally people may be there not to hurt us, but to teach us a lesson.

Dealing with depression

I have dealt with depression for a lot of my life.  I'm not sure when or how it started.  As a child I had a hard time with school and interacting with other children.  I learned my own coping mechanisms, and a lot of them weren't healthy.  I would often withdraw, and since then I've learned that becoming isolated only makes it harder to live life.  I would also hurt myself.  At first it was calming and a something to focus on.  I imagine it to be more like an OCD way of thought.  After a while I wasn't always in control.  It became dangerous, it became more like (if not) an addiction.

Important things I have learned.

Listening to my own thoughts for too long would lead to a negative spiral.  The longer I spent by myself the harder it became to interact with people.  There was more self doubt and social anxieties than there were initially.  Also, all those things that were avoided have piled up.  Now I might give myself 15 minutes to feel crappy, but then it's business as usually.  Fake it until you make it. 

I am not alone.  Some one understands what I am feeling.  Poor self esteem and/or the idea that no one else has ever felt this way is bullshit, besides, I'm not a starving artist.  In a way, it's vain.  It's not all about me.  There is no respect in a pity party.  And by denying anyone could understand can keep a person from defining it clearly.  If I don't understand it myself, how can I fix it. 

I have people in my life who are willing to listen.  I am not emo, by any means.  I'm not saying to bitch and moan about everything to anyone who will listen, but it's okay to vent.  Today things built up, so I walked to my parents' and hung out with the baby for a few hours.  My work is still waiting for me. (As are the chores and other things on my to do list.)  Sometimes I'll call a good friend.  She is very understanding.  It took me 6 years of our friendship for me to realize that I don't have to feel guilty about talking about my problems with her.  If I only listen I am hurting our relationship.  It shows a lack of connection and trust if I don't open up in return.

Distraction works.  I find reading or going for a walk can do wonders. 

For a while I looked up to certain artists who lead a rough life.  Who were obviously lonely and depressed.  I can admire their work with out feeling the need to live like them.  They may be famous, but there is nothing fantastic about living a life feeling wretched all the time, even if they are admired.

I have the ability to change the pattern of my thoughts.  One day I was fed-up and thought Screw this.  That little burst of defiant anger was enough to pull me out of it.  It was incredibly liberating.  It was difficult to duplicate because in the moment it's hard to think clearly or rationally, or even to remember the things that help.  Now when I remember to (notes help) I use this as a tool.  I am not helpless.

By finding old writings when I was cleaning out my room once I noticed I've felt this way before!  I was able to see a pattern.  Now I tell myself this isn't forever.  I now know some of my triggers and how to avoid them or at least recognize them for what they are. Maybe keep some sort of a journal to understand yourself better.


~~~~~

I've been having higher levels of stress these last couple of days.  It's lead to relationship issues as well.  I was feeling quite miserable, so I decided to write this.  In doing so I reminded myself of those things above.  I don't feel like a million dollars now, but I am not feeding those poetically dark thoughts.  Now, time to deal with a few necessities. 




Here's a website I came across: http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
It mentions a few of the things I listed, but has some new ones like managing stress and exercise.  It also has quite a few suggestions for what to do to accomplish the tips listed.


If depression has burdened you, I am sorry.  I do believe you are strong enough to overcome it.  Don't resign yourself to living a life with depression.  You can be happy.  Reiki, meditation and some shamanic work has helped me believe it.

Overview on Reiki

I am a Reiki practitioner.  I love it.  I sometimes have a hard time explaining it to people who aren't familiar with what it is.  It's a (originally) Japanese healing modality.  It works with energy.  Unlike other energy work (which, to be honest, I'm not very familiar with) it doesn't drain the practitioner's prana (Sanskrit for vital life), or energy.  It is not a religion, and does not require a religion. 

Reiki is a a form of spiritual healing that helps to harmonize the body, mind and spirit.  It strengthens the immune system, relieves pain, clears toxins (you may pee a lot after a treatment), reduces stress, promotes personal awareness and creativity, and aids meditation and positive thinking.  All that holistically.  For those of you thinking yeah, right, there are studies.  A few hospitals near me have Reiki programs for their oncology patients.  Reiki yields a higher hematocrit and hemoglobin levels (having to do with red blood cells) in patients.  There was a study done where the experimental group received Reiki training, and the control group received no training. Those who didn't not receive Reiki training in one differences.  My friend who is a nurse said that one doesn't see changes like those in the study without the aid of medication.   I've seen it work first hand.  Some of the results seemingly amazing.

Reiki is by no means new age, it just became more popular in the US over the last decades.  I can understand why some people think it's for ladies with too many cats and very nearly off their rockers'.  I've met those women, too.  I think they are more vocal about it, or more noticeable, and that's where some people make their judgments from.  But remember, not every democrat is as obnoxious as Michael Moore. He makes some good points, but then proceeds to go a little over the top.

What I don't like is the schools that just give the days lesson and the certification.  The woman who has attuned me has said she will ask a few questions and suggest that maybe one isn't ready for the master-teacher certification.  I prefer it that way.  She won't just take the money and fully certify someone who isn't certified.  And there are different lineages.  I've met people who will not put their hands on the recipient.


Since I have started my Reiki training I have become a happier person.  I don't practice as often as I ought to, but any amount is beneficial.  The thing that started this post for me was the intention to relate the

Gokai from Mikao Usui, or 5 Reiki principles.

Just for today,

       do not be angry,

Do not worry,

       And be filled with gratitude,

Devote yourself to work,

      And be kind to people.

                                          Another version:

Just for today

    Do not anger

    Do not worry

    Be humble

    Be honest in your work

Be compassionate to yourself and others

A Different Perspective

With the world (at least near me) being such a busy place it's no wonder unhealthy levels of stress plague many of the people I come encounter with.  Meditation can help us keep perspective.  Someone wasn't driving like a complete prick just to piss me off.  I personally have found that driving doesn't need to be unpleasant.  If I'm stuck in traffic instead of getting out of sorts I turn up the radio and have some more "me time" where I have no obligations.  Really, there is nothing I can do to change it.  We shouldn't stress about the little things we can not change.  (After all, I only get home 10 minutes later.)

Same thing with social interactions.  A girl at work was talking about me, rather unkindly, to the other girls.  She took it personally that in conversation with one of the doctors I work for I made a suggestion (having nothing to do with her.)  She said I had gone behind her back (she was the office manager - and it wasn't anything I hadn't talked about with her) and that I couldn't be trusted (that I was trying to get some of the other girls in trouble.)  I strongly recommend that you do not friend your boss on FB.  She even posted nasty things on my wall.  Needless to say I was upset.  And by upset I mean going on 45minute long rants with anyone who'd listen and fuming when I wasn't bitching for 3 days.  I was incredibly stressed and miserable.

I can't remember what article I came across on the internet, or I'd post it here.  It changed everything for me.  It pretty much said that practically NOTHING is personal.  They way another person behaves is based on how their circumstances shaped them.  In this case, really, I had done nothing wrong.  Did I have the right to be angry?  Sure, I did.  But how can it be healthy to let that rule my life?  My job wasn't in jeopardy, so I began to let it go.  When I hear that she is telling people things about me I still get mad.  But I let it go after the first 10 minutes.  I still relay the events to others, but instead of going on a rampage I keep it to the facts with a can-you-believe-what-****-she-is attitude.

Another thing that article mentioned was that on the other hand, when we get upset by something another person has done, it is our own hang-up.  If somebody called us a three eyed green monster (or it said something to that effect) we'd probably just laugh it off.  But, if they call us a liar or a bitch, we react because of guilt (even if we haven't lied in that circumstance, but maybe another) or we care of what the people who hear it will think.  That was an eye opener for me. 

Stress makes it harder to overcome illnesses, and in some cases can even cause them; High blood pressure, heart disease, etc.  I know one woman whose kidneys can't produce adrenalin anymore.  We shouldn't let ourselves get to that point.  One thing I am working on is trying to meditate regularly.  Meditation can significantly lowers the risk for heart disease, make decision-making an easier task and teach us how to control our (negative) thoughts.  Meditation helps us to be present, or grounded.  By being in the moment we are not worried about things that happened, or things that may happen.  I find that appealing.  By not being preoccupied we have more time to dedicate to our interests and hobbies (and in some cases, get interests and hobbies.)  It can foster creativity, where before there was anxiety.

Meditation helps a person find purpose in life.  By have a quiet mind we can find answers to questions we may have thought fleetingly.  It can offer happiness an understanding.

Introduction

When I was in elementary school I was picked on relentlessly.  I came home crying nearly every day.  My mom would try to get me to stand up for myself, but I'd reply with a response to the effect of that's not nice.

I spent a while letting people walk all over me.  I struggled with depression and poor self esteem growing up.  That turned into a certain amount of anger over time.  By the time I reached high school I adopted a f*ck this attitude, and made friends with people who were more like me.  I was in the "freak" category, and had a blast.

I am an independent thinker.  I think we all should be.  I think it's important to notice when things just aren't right;  Like skinny jeans and natural gas fracking being exempt from drinking water laws.  Instead, too many of  us live a mindless day at work to pay for endless hours of TV and pay for garbage we may never used that was produced by enslaved children.  Most people are ignorant of the things that make our lives the way it is.

I'm not much into politics, but I like to be aware.  And I want to become more aware of my daily life.  You know, make my life happen, instead of just reacting to life happening to me.  I need to become more "grounded" and get a little more balance in my life. 

Sometimes I may come across as a new-age-whatever.  I don't like the stereotype that goes out with certain things (like I'm a Reiki practitioner and am trying to meditate.)  But that can't be helped because there are a lot of love-and-light nut-jobs out there that have 10 cats, crystal balls, and are more focused on themselves and how "enlightened" they are than the world around them.  I almost typed no offense, but I realized, I don't really give a shit.

Anyway, I guess this blog will be mostly about the progress I am trying to make as a person.  I don't want to end up like those bitter, catty, middle aged women I have worked with.  I want a chance to enjoy life, and to have a stronger spiritual connection.  I don't want to waste energy by being upset by things that really shouldn't matter.