Being Different

We are taught when we are little that different bad.  Being special is just being the best at being normal.  Before I could understand that I was different I could feel it.  I could feel the gaping hole of loneliness. 

As I got to middle school I became resentful.  Anger piled up on top of the sadness.  I even started to embrace the sadness.  The gaping hole of loneliness was filling my life.

Come high school I was just weird.  I didn't want to care anymore.  Other kids who hadn't fit in started to flock together.  We were proud of our quirks.  We were proud of our "independent thinking."  There were kids in this group who were just desperate to fit in somewhere, and there were kids in the group who just never made it to the next level of life 10 years later. (Some of whom still living in Mom's basement, spending their pay-checks on partying, etc.)

Come graduation people were drifting away to different lives.  I was pretty much alone again, and it dawned on me.  We were just another click.  Some of these "independent thinkers" were just faking it.  We weren't different from any other adolescent (part of my still twinges at admitting it), we were just doing what every other kid was doing in a different way.

I have always mostly had acquaintances.  I am not quick to consider people friends.  I have learned to weed people out, for my own good.  It's a hard lesson to learn, and it hurts to cut people off.  But it get's easier.  It improved the quality of my life.  And looking back, what was my whole life is now insignificant.

Here are a few things I've learned:

• Being different is good.  It gives another perspective, allows us to make our own choices, and we aren't held to society's norms in the same way as other people.
• Loneliness is a good opportunity to get to know yourself better.  Instead of dwelling on what you're lacking, or being consumed by the hurt- take the opportunity to listen to yourself.  WHY do you feel this way? WHAT could make you feel better? WHO can you see making your life better? WHERE do you want to be in life?
• Don't waste time and energy on people who drain you and will never give back.  Take the time to explore other friendships to see if they'll make it to the next level.  Put the energy you would have wasted in anxiety, anger, depression (etc) from those relationships and use it to show gratitude towards other people in your life.  
• Take time to explore YOUR interests.  It took me over 20 years to figure out what "my music" was because I always let other people pick.  Want to learn Japanese?  Sign up for a class.  Like Tai Chi or tennis or whatever? Just do it.  You only have so long to live.  This also makes us more independent.  If we have our own lives we don't depend so much on others.
• We are responsible for our own happiness.  Easier said than done, but it's true.  Blaming others is just keeping us in the same state, feeling the same way.  Stop bitching and be happy.

Breaking Up

I had a very good friend from the age of 10.  We were both outcasts of sorts, enjoyed to read, and were changing into adults.  We shared a lot.  We discovered alcohol together (albeit much younger than I would want any children of mine to discover it), and boys.  After a while these things weren't novelties anymore.  They started becoming a way of life for her.  Then they weren't enough.  She wound up in abusive relationships (she did her own share of the abusing), doing all sorts of drugs- at one point Oxycontin pills that cost $80 a pop as a daily habit, and who knows what else.  It was like a train wreck, I couldn't look away.  I didn't even notice the train crashing until there were more casualties than survivors.  If she sneezed she would either try to snort it back up or lick the snot not to waste whatever remnants might be left in there.

I saw her do that.  It wasn't enough for me to watch her change from experimental to addict.  It wasn't enough for me to see that she would never be there in a way a friend would.  She would come over, inevitably drunk, high or both, and talk about how awful her life was.  It was always awful.  It was always about her, and how badly someone treated her, or how someone ripped her off while buying drugs, or how ill she felt, or how she didn't have enough money for things like rent and food.  And I always listened.  I was sad for her in a way she wasn't.

After years and of this a mutual friend and I (more him than me) called her out on her dramatic, drug preferring ways.  The way we described it was breaking up.  That's what it felt like.  We were friends for 12 or 13 years.  Years later I still think about her regularly.  Whenever I hear a song by Ani Difranco called Two Little Girls I think of her.  Or sometimes when I think of her I think of that song.

Breaking up is so hard to do.  I have a tendency to stick around longer than what is healthy.  Healthy for me, but also for the other party.  I was enabling.

There is a part of me I identify with from that period in my life.  I struggled so hard with depression, and I hated my self.  I don't know if I've ever truly hated anyone beside myself.  That person who I was is still a part of me.  And sometimes when I get sad I'll wallow.  Sometimes the world is against me today.

I don't hate my friend, although there is still an aching.  I don't blame her for anything, but I do hope the best for her.  I hope she finds a way out where others don't.  Who knows, maybe she already has.  But how can I harbor a distaste for myself I don't harbor for someone who caused me so much pain- someone who was willing to throw over 10 years of our lives out for a habit she couldn't afford.

I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but I think it's time to break up with that person still inside of me.  I don't have to blame myself, hate myself, punish myself.  I was young.  Teenagers and young adults make stupid choices.  I wouldn't hate another person for being the person I was, or behaving the way I did.  I  understand how it is to be silently screaming inside, letting the world pass one by, and not able (or think one is able) to do anything about it.  Next thing you know, it's 5 years later.  Then 10.  (Here I go- digressing...)

Anyways, those are my thoughts on that.  Maybe they should be better thought out, but that's the level I'm at right now.

Becoming

I have a good sense of who I am.  I have a good idea of who I want to be.  I haven't sat down and defined it though.  Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know.  What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me?  I know how to get to work.  I've been driving there for almost 6 years.  When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks.  If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me.  I am not even certain of the exit number or street names.  This also applies to my life.

I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother.  I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son.  I can tell them that I love my family and friends.  Those are facts.  Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor.  That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents.  What do I represent?  What colors describe my personality?  What details define my ideas, my passions?

If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy? 

I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex.  I thought I was over it.  I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in.  I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there.  So I was over him.  Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later?  What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation.  What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning.  How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?

I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.)  What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself.  If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life.  If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question.  That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too!  I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently.  (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)

I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for.  I can forgive her.  Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding.  There wasn't anything to forgive really.  Just realize what truly was.  I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.

Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure.  Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on.  To gain closure and live in the present.

How many other things are there I thought I was over?  How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?'  How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted?  Now I understand what it means to become whole.  I didn't even realize I was in pieces.

Hiatus possibly over?

Okay, so I went on a little hiatus.  It gets overwhelming sometimes to organize my thoughts because I have so much to put up.  I actively started this 'journey' probably 3 years ago now when I took a Reiki course.  Since then I have become very interested in Eastern medicine, meditation, some-what actively pursuing my spirituality without being told what to believe, and improving myself.

I used to be very defensive, and I still am at times.  But when dealing with difficult people I can often distance myself from the situation, realize it is not personal, and move on.  Sometimes I can even feel compassion (sometimes) for these twits.  And a huge benefit is not carrying a giant stress ball around in my stomach that is actively attacking my insides and would like nothing better than to give me an ulcer. 

I have also come to terms with the fact that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS.  I thought I would be depressed on and off for the rest of my life, but I had learned how to deal with it, so I was ahead of the game.  And I also assumed it was the outside world and it's events that was causing it.  I highly recommend chakra work and if you have the opportunity shamanistic work.  I know how it sounds.  I'm not talking new age bull, I'm talking old school.  Like before TVs and cars and electricity.  I'm not talking about the bored housewife who has money to spend, but people who had a simple but complete way of life.  There is something to it.  It caught my attention when I noticed correlations between chakra information in a class I was taking and many people in my life.  Just keep an open mind, then decide.

I've thought about posting the journies I've done with the shamanic work, but I'm not sure that would be beneficial to anyone.  (I'm also not sure that it matters because I'm fairly sure very few people would ever read it.) I'd like to post a lot of things that I have found useful (and I have a ton of information), but it is hard to determine what is most relevant.  And this blog was started as more of a way to keep my thoughts together in case I ever want them that way, instead of sifting through a million things later, and possibly losing things I currently find important.  If it helps some one else on their 'journey' that would be great.  I guess it is what it is.

Dealing with depression

I have dealt with depression for a lot of my life.  I'm not sure when or how it started.  As a child I had a hard time with school and interacting with other children.  I learned my own coping mechanisms, and a lot of them weren't healthy.  I would often withdraw, and since then I've learned that becoming isolated only makes it harder to live life.  I would also hurt myself.  At first it was calming and a something to focus on.  I imagine it to be more like an OCD way of thought.  After a while I wasn't always in control.  It became dangerous, it became more like (if not) an addiction.

Important things I have learned.

Listening to my own thoughts for too long would lead to a negative spiral.  The longer I spent by myself the harder it became to interact with people.  There was more self doubt and social anxieties than there were initially.  Also, all those things that were avoided have piled up.  Now I might give myself 15 minutes to feel crappy, but then it's business as usually.  Fake it until you make it. 

I am not alone.  Some one understands what I am feeling.  Poor self esteem and/or the idea that no one else has ever felt this way is bullshit, besides, I'm not a starving artist.  In a way, it's vain.  It's not all about me.  There is no respect in a pity party.  And by denying anyone could understand can keep a person from defining it clearly.  If I don't understand it myself, how can I fix it. 

I have people in my life who are willing to listen.  I am not emo, by any means.  I'm not saying to bitch and moan about everything to anyone who will listen, but it's okay to vent.  Today things built up, so I walked to my parents' and hung out with the baby for a few hours.  My work is still waiting for me. (As are the chores and other things on my to do list.)  Sometimes I'll call a good friend.  She is very understanding.  It took me 6 years of our friendship for me to realize that I don't have to feel guilty about talking about my problems with her.  If I only listen I am hurting our relationship.  It shows a lack of connection and trust if I don't open up in return.

Distraction works.  I find reading or going for a walk can do wonders. 

For a while I looked up to certain artists who lead a rough life.  Who were obviously lonely and depressed.  I can admire their work with out feeling the need to live like them.  They may be famous, but there is nothing fantastic about living a life feeling wretched all the time, even if they are admired.

I have the ability to change the pattern of my thoughts.  One day I was fed-up and thought Screw this.  That little burst of defiant anger was enough to pull me out of it.  It was incredibly liberating.  It was difficult to duplicate because in the moment it's hard to think clearly or rationally, or even to remember the things that help.  Now when I remember to (notes help) I use this as a tool.  I am not helpless.

By finding old writings when I was cleaning out my room once I noticed I've felt this way before!  I was able to see a pattern.  Now I tell myself this isn't forever.  I now know some of my triggers and how to avoid them or at least recognize them for what they are. Maybe keep some sort of a journal to understand yourself better.


~~~~~

I've been having higher levels of stress these last couple of days.  It's lead to relationship issues as well.  I was feeling quite miserable, so I decided to write this.  In doing so I reminded myself of those things above.  I don't feel like a million dollars now, but I am not feeding those poetically dark thoughts.  Now, time to deal with a few necessities. 




Here's a website I came across: http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
It mentions a few of the things I listed, but has some new ones like managing stress and exercise.  It also has quite a few suggestions for what to do to accomplish the tips listed.


If depression has burdened you, I am sorry.  I do believe you are strong enough to overcome it.  Don't resign yourself to living a life with depression.  You can be happy.  Reiki, meditation and some shamanic work has helped me believe it.