Becoming

I have a good sense of who I am.  I have a good idea of who I want to be.  I haven't sat down and defined it though.  Sometimes we can understand a subject matter, but not be able to clearly explain it to someone who doesn't know.  What words would I use to make sure that someone completely unfamiliar would understand me?  I know how to get to work.  I've been driving there for almost 6 years.  When it comes time to give directions I can use some land marks.  If they are unfamiliar with the area they have a hard time following me.  I am not even certain of the exit number or street names.  This also applies to my life.

I can tell people I am a 24 year old female with parents and a younger brother.  I can tell them that I am getting married in July and have a 2 year old son.  I can tell them that I love my family and friends.  Those are facts.  Like a monument being built on X date by X sculptor.  That doesn't tell them about the colors, the details, nor what it represents.  What do I represent?  What colors describe my personality?  What details define my ideas, my passions?

If I don't understand myself, how can I ever be happy? 

I spent sometime a while ago thinking about an ex.  I thought I was over it.  I sure as hell don't miss him, or the situation I was in.  I don't regret it, but no part of me wants back there.  So I was over him.  Why did it keep coming back to mind, years later?  What I wasn't over is how I let myself stay in that situation.  What I wasn't over was how I spent 6 years in a relationship with a guy when there were things that weren't right from the beginning.  How could I settle and let myself be so unhappy for so long?

I grieved for the relationship. (Mostly before it was even officially over.)  What I hadn't done what grieve for that part of myself.  If I had just felt guilty (engaged and all) for thinking about him and pushed it out of my mind, I would not have come to realize the true reason this had come to intrude on my present life.  If I was just afraid of what my answer would have been I wouldn't have posed the question.  That part of me wouldn't have had a chance to say Hey! I need healing, too!  I wouldn't have thought about how I would have done things differently.  (Which better prepares me for similar interactions in the future.)

I would not have come to terms with that young person who I didn't like, and obviously still don't care for.  I can forgive her.  Because now there isn't disdain, just understanding.  There wasn't anything to forgive really.  Just realize what truly was.  I have closure on a book I would have sworn was already closed.

Maybe depression and anxiety are those things coming back to us, looking for closure.  Maybe it's who we want to become giving us a chance to move on.  To gain closure and live in the present.

How many other things are there I thought I was over?  How many other pieces of broken glass didn't get swept up when I 'broke a dish?'  How many other versions of myself want to just be recognized and accepted?  Now I understand what it means to become whole.  I didn't even realize I was in pieces.

It's about freakin' time.

disclaimer:  rambling tangents involved.

When I look at myself I see I am the same person.  I am who I was.  And I will always be who I am.  I think that gives me an advantage, seeing as some people never really meet themselves face to face.

Yes, I am different than I was.  I am less defensive (key word being less) and I don't interrupt others as much (again- note the as much.)  I am seeing myself participating in the world more often than the world participating in my life.  I notice life happening now.  I see that in 5 years everything may be fundamentally the same if I don't consciously take stock of and interfere with the crap I don't like.  When I first came up with the title for this blog it was a basic, instinctual desire.  I wouldn't have told you that then, but now I see it.  Now I am starting to see how this can be done.  I am starting to do it. 

I am pretty sure it started with the desire.  I wasn't aware of the steps I had been taking.  I didn't notice these changes in me.  I mentioned it to a couple close friends over the last few months, and they told me they knew.  They saw it.  Even though I only had a very rough understanding, a basic concept, and no idea of how to obtain it, it started happening.  Just knowing that I didn't have to know how to get what I wanted, that I just needed to figure out what it is I wanted, and that was enough to get the ball rolling. 

I have a friend who wants to get over some stuff, and change in some ways.  She only has that basic understanding right now, and is overwhelmed by not knowing how to make it happen.  We've talked about it a few times now.  I had insight, but not the right words to tell her.  Finally after months I think I know what I can say.  It all came when I wasn't searching for it.  Maybe she is too focused on that overwhelmed I have no flippin' clue what to do feeling.  Maybe she can let that go and get back to the more basic desire and let that be.

Anxiety is funny (no, not haha funny) .  We've known each other well.  It has kept me from speaking up for myself.  IT has kept me from having a good time too many times.  And looking at the situations I was in, there was no reason for it.  Other people could tell me there was no reason for it.  Okay, that's fine.  I still felt it.  This is something else I want to address, at some point, but it's just occurred to me I've started rambling.  Tangents...

Back to that point I was trying to make... I am still the same person.  The difference now I am more of that person I wanted to be.  And while I always wanted just to be myself I didn't like myself.  I admired traits in others.  It turns out I can have those traits and still be myself.  Maybe that was the me I didn't know trying to tell me a little more about who I really am. 

Really, I think I could go on and on.  There are so many points that are probably better left for conversation or more focused writings.  (See, I am still the me I was - all over the place...)

Anywho, it's aout freakin' I wrote something again. 

Random Acts of Kindness Week

Ok, so I disappear for long periods of time.  Hardly anyone looks anyway ;-p

Some of it is a nervousness about sharing.  I know how some of the stuff I am into is perceived.  It's not understood.  And there are a lot of quacks out there.  Diviners (fortune tellers) for example.  But there are people out there who are truly gifted.  I was told right before the new year that a co-worker would become ill.  I found out recently that one girl has breast cancer.  Anyway, tangents, I have them.

It's RAK week, starting on Valentines Day.  They have simple 'challenges' to accomplish to participate in the week.  The link is there.  Encourage people to participate.  Try to bring it into everyday life.  It offers a sort of peace we can all use.

I think that maybe I left off on the chakras subconsciously.  The last ones are the ones I am working on.  I think I want to review everything, maybe gleam a little more insight, and try to push forward.  This coming year is going to be a big one for me I think.  I'm getting married, becoming a Reiki master-teacher, and may be trying for another kid later on in the year.  Also, I think there will be a TON of spiritual growth.  I know I will make it where I am going.  And even though I've little knowledge of where I'll end up, I okay with that.

All religions are the same to me. (In a way.)  They all lead to the same result.  Your God and her God are the same God. 

Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with. His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine. Henry S. Haskins

A good person is a good person.  

Chakra 5

Names: Vishuddha, Throat Center

Location: Bottom of neck

Area of face:ears

Sense: sound

Color: blue

          Antidote: red

Tone: u (as in blue)

Note: g sharp

Crystals: Sodalite, Azurite,

Aromas: Blue (German) Chamomile, Eucalyptus

Statement: "I want to speak freely and openly."

Explanation:

Many people function from their lower chakras, and society even seems to encourage it.  Opening your fifth chakra is to start to function on a different level, and may be difficult.

This is the center of communication, and you will want to talk about what you are experiencing.  People may fall away, but true friends will always be there, so try to let go of those who are uncomfortable with you instead of holding back. New friends, more on your level, and where you want to be, will start to gravitate towards you.

Children with an open fifth chakra are those who are allowed to speak freely, sing, cry and scream when it is necessary.  They have been encouraged to trust their own instincts.  When they reach school they often have a hard time encountering a new set of rules and values.  This often results in chronic sore throats or ear infections.  They just need to be assured that their reality, although it is different, is valid.

Blue is soothing and calming, effects are especially apparent in small children and the dying. 

Balanced Chakra Energy Characteristics:

• content
•  centered
• can live in the present
• perfect sense of timing
• good speaker
• musically or artistically inspired
• can meditate and experience divine energy
• easily grasp spiritual teachings
• may be overwhelmingly prolific

Excessive Chakra Energy:

• arrogant
• self righteous
• talks too much
• dogmatic
• addictive

Deficient Chakra Energy:

• timid
• holds back
• confused
• quiet
• inconsistent
• unreliable
• weak
• manipulative
• can't express one's thoughts

Contraindications: too much blue for too long may make you sleepy or feel withdrawn.  Yellow and orange can help balance it.  Blue is not helpful for colds, muscle contractions, paralysis or poor circulation.

Glands and organs influenced include the throat, thyroid, nerves, eyes and muscles.


This information was largely obtained from an awesome book.   Please see the post on the first chakra and scroll to the end to see.