It is important to realize that what you know isn't everything. Yes it is your world, and your knowledge gets you by in your world. That gets you stuck in your world. So unless you are 100% content with how you behave and the relationships in your life...
Living in the moment.
Open-mindedness.
Judgement- Leave it for making decisions. I will not touch the hot burner. I will not shop at WalMart. Everyone has their own histories, friends and definitions. I've pointed out ridiculous looking people.
Never stop questioning yourself. Why were my feelings hurt when he said such and such. Why do I feel the need to control this set of circumstances. What caused the jealously.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Being Different
We are taught when we are little that different bad. Being special is just being the best at being normal. Before I could understand that I was different I could feel it. I could feel the gaping hole of loneliness.
As I got to middle school I became resentful. Anger piled up on top of the sadness. I even started to embrace the sadness. The gaping hole of loneliness was filling my life.
Come high school I was just weird. I didn't want to care anymore. Other kids who hadn't fit in started to flock together. We were proud of our quirks. We were proud of our "independent thinking." There were kids in this group who were just desperate to fit in somewhere, and there were kids in the group who just never made it to the next level of life 10 years later. (Some of whom still living in Mom's basement, spending their pay-checks on partying, etc.)
Come graduation people were drifting away to different lives. I was pretty much alone again, and it dawned on me. We were just another click. Some of these "independent thinkers" were just faking it. We weren't different from any other adolescent (part of my still twinges at admitting it), we were just doing what every other kid was doing in a different way.
I have always mostly had acquaintances. I am not quick to consider people friends. I have learned to weed people out, for my own good. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it hurts to cut people off. But it get's easier. It improved the quality of my life. And looking back, what was my whole life is now insignificant.
Here are a few things I've learned:
As I got to middle school I became resentful. Anger piled up on top of the sadness. I even started to embrace the sadness. The gaping hole of loneliness was filling my life.
Come high school I was just weird. I didn't want to care anymore. Other kids who hadn't fit in started to flock together. We were proud of our quirks. We were proud of our "independent thinking." There were kids in this group who were just desperate to fit in somewhere, and there were kids in the group who just never made it to the next level of life 10 years later. (Some of whom still living in Mom's basement, spending their pay-checks on partying, etc.)
Come graduation people were drifting away to different lives. I was pretty much alone again, and it dawned on me. We were just another click. Some of these "independent thinkers" were just faking it. We weren't different from any other adolescent (part of my still twinges at admitting it), we were just doing what every other kid was doing in a different way.
I have always mostly had acquaintances. I am not quick to consider people friends. I have learned to weed people out, for my own good. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it hurts to cut people off. But it get's easier. It improved the quality of my life. And looking back, what was my whole life is now insignificant.
Here are a few things I've learned:
- Being different is good. It gives another perspective, allows us to make our own choices, and we aren't held to society's norms in the same way as other people.
- Loneliness is a good opportunity to get to know yourself better. Instead of dwelling on what you're lacking, or being consumed by the hurt- take the opportunity to listen to yourself. WHY do you feel this way? WHAT could make you feel better? WHO can you see making your life better? WHERE do you want to be in life?
- Don't waste time and energy on people who drain you and will never give back. Take the time to explore other friendships to see if they'll make it to the next level. Put the energy you would have wasted in anxiety, anger, depression (etc) from those relationships and use it to show gratitude towards other people in your life.
- Take time to explore YOUR interests. It took me over 20 years to figure out what "my music" was because I always let other people pick. Want to learn Japanese? Sign up for a class. Like Tai Chi or tennis or whatever? Just do it. You only have so long to live. This also makes us more independent. If we have our own lives we don't depend so much on others.
- We are responsible for our own happiness. Easier said than done, but it's true. Blaming others is just keeping us in the same state, feeling the same way. Stop bitching and be happy.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Breaking Up
I had a very good friend from the age of 10. We were both outcasts of sorts, enjoyed to read, and were changing into adults. We shared a lot. We discovered alcohol together (albeit much younger than I would want any children of mine to discover it), and boys. After a while these things weren't novelties anymore. They started becoming a way of life for her. Then they weren't enough. She wound up in abusive relationships (she did her own share of the abusing), doing all sorts of drugs- at one point Oxycontin pills that cost $80 a pop as a daily habit, and who knows what else. It was like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. I didn't even notice the train crashing until there were more casualties than survivors. If she sneezed she would either try to snort it back up or lick the snot not to waste whatever remnants might be left in there.
I saw her do that. It wasn't enough for me to watch her change from experimental to addict. It wasn't enough for me to see that she would never be there in a way a friend would. She would come over, inevitably drunk, high or both, and talk about how awful her life was. It was always awful. It was always about her, and how badly someone treated her, or how someone ripped her off while buying drugs, or how ill she felt, or how she didn't have enough money for things like rent and food. And I always listened. I was sad for her in a way she wasn't.
After years and of this a mutual friend and I (more him than me) called her out on her dramatic, drug preferring ways. The way we described it was breaking up. That's what it felt like. We were friends for 12 or 13 years. Years later I still think about her regularly. Whenever I hear a song by Ani Difranco called Two Little Girls I think of her. Or sometimes when I think of her I think of that song.
Breaking up is so hard to do. I have a tendency to stick around longer than what is healthy. Healthy for me, but also for the other party. I was enabling.
There is a part of me I identify with from that period in my life. I struggled so hard with depression, and I hated my self. I don't know if I've ever truly hated anyone beside myself. That person who I was is still a part of me. And sometimes when I get sad I'll wallow. Sometimes the world is against me today.
I don't hate my friend, although there is still an aching. I don't blame her for anything, but I do hope the best for her. I hope she finds a way out where others don't. Who knows, maybe she already has. But how can I harbor a distaste for myself I don't harbor for someone who caused me so much pain- someone who was willing to throw over 10 years of our lives out for a habit she couldn't afford.
I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but I think it's time to break up with that person still inside of me. I don't have to blame myself, hate myself, punish myself. I was young. Teenagers and young adults make stupid choices. I wouldn't hate another person for being the person I was, or behaving the way I did. I understand how it is to be silently screaming inside, letting the world pass one by, and not able (or think one is able) to do anything about it. Next thing you know, it's 5 years later. Then 10. (Here I go- digressing...)
Anyways, those are my thoughts on that. Maybe they should be better thought out, but that's the level I'm at right now.
I saw her do that. It wasn't enough for me to watch her change from experimental to addict. It wasn't enough for me to see that she would never be there in a way a friend would. She would come over, inevitably drunk, high or both, and talk about how awful her life was. It was always awful. It was always about her, and how badly someone treated her, or how someone ripped her off while buying drugs, or how ill she felt, or how she didn't have enough money for things like rent and food. And I always listened. I was sad for her in a way she wasn't.
After years and of this a mutual friend and I (more him than me) called her out on her dramatic, drug preferring ways. The way we described it was breaking up. That's what it felt like. We were friends for 12 or 13 years. Years later I still think about her regularly. Whenever I hear a song by Ani Difranco called Two Little Girls I think of her. Or sometimes when I think of her I think of that song.
Breaking up is so hard to do. I have a tendency to stick around longer than what is healthy. Healthy for me, but also for the other party. I was enabling.
There is a part of me I identify with from that period in my life. I struggled so hard with depression, and I hated my self. I don't know if I've ever truly hated anyone beside myself. That person who I was is still a part of me. And sometimes when I get sad I'll wallow. Sometimes the world is against me today.
I don't hate my friend, although there is still an aching. I don't blame her for anything, but I do hope the best for her. I hope she finds a way out where others don't. Who knows, maybe she already has. But how can I harbor a distaste for myself I don't harbor for someone who caused me so much pain- someone who was willing to throw over 10 years of our lives out for a habit she couldn't afford.
I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but I think it's time to break up with that person still inside of me. I don't have to blame myself, hate myself, punish myself. I was young. Teenagers and young adults make stupid choices. I wouldn't hate another person for being the person I was, or behaving the way I did. I understand how it is to be silently screaming inside, letting the world pass one by, and not able (or think one is able) to do anything about it. Next thing you know, it's 5 years later. Then 10. (Here I go- digressing...)
Anyways, those are my thoughts on that. Maybe they should be better thought out, but that's the level I'm at right now.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Chakra 6
Names: Ajna, Third Eye Center, Guru Chakra
Location: In the back of the head: Base of Skull. In the front of the head: Between the eyebrows at the third eye
Area of face: eyes
Sense: sight
Color:Indigo
Antidote:orange
Tone: Om or Aum. Some people say this is the sound God made that created the world.
Note:high A
Crystals: Lapis Lazuli, Sugilite
Aromas: Juniper Berries, Rosemary
Statement: "I want to see clearly."
Explanation:
This is the center of higher intuition. Through this chakra one can receive guidance and tune into one's higher self. It not only has to do with psychic abilities, but being able to see the world clearly for how it is. And being able to see oneself in the world clearly, not just how we experience it. Creativity also comes from this chakra.
When this chakra is shut down it is often because a person is taught to fear the occult. There is irrational fear and guilt that is created by taboos and it makes is hard for a person to get a clear perspective on whether or not a teaching is good for them, and judging becomes difficult.
When the third eye is opened we are able to merge our two views of the world: our normal self with intellect and ego, and our higher self with the intuitive mind and spiritual feelings. This is the meaning of self realization, and you can see your full potential.
. Balanced Chakra Energy Characteristics:
- charaismatic
- receives Guidance
- not attached to material things
- no fear of death
- clairvoyant
- not preoccupied with fame or fortune
- master of oneself
Excessive Chakra Energy:
- egomaniac
- proud
- reliously dogmatic
- authoritarian
- manipulative
- nonassertive
- undisciplined
- oversensitive to the feelings of others
- afraid of success
- may be schizophrenic (unable too distinguish between ego and Higher self)
Glands and organs influenced include the pineal gland (endocrine gland that has the structure of an eye in the central part of the brain), pituitary, brain and ears.
This information was largely obtained from an awesome book. Please see the post on the first chakra and scroll to the end to see.
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